I know you so well. I’ve been with you for so many years. I can’t remember a time when you weren’t with me. Despite that, every time you arrive it’s like meeting you for the first time. I feel you in my head, a cloudiness, a fog that won’t dissipate. I feel you in my chest, heavy like blocks of cement. I feel you when I trudge along, heavy in my footsteps. When you’re with me, I wish I could fall into nothingness. You are too intense. Too much like drowning and I want air, I want breath, but I know with you I can’t have it.
I try to fight you off. I try to fend myself with productivity, cleanliness… I push and push until I feel myself collapse.
I am collapsed again. I want nothing and I want everything all at once. I want to stay in this pit, eat the dirt of the grave I’m in and bury myself further until I’m comfortable.
But I also don’t want you. I want to want to claw myself back from the earth. I want the will that I don’t have, the will that you take from me again and again.
Pain, I wish I could comfort you. I wish I could give you what you need to stay away. I wish you didn’t love me enough to come back.